Monthly Archives: March 2012

Free Bird of the Great White North: The Ballad of Robert Wilkinson

The world as we know it is not a place for dreams. The real world is a place where dreams go to die; where waves fail upon the sand; where vermillion sparrows break their necks against the glass. By and large, most people never see the glass – we never test the lengths of our leads. We only see the cruel limits of this world when some other free soul crashes against society’s boundary and inevitably burns. And thank god for the Burners. The Burners who brew their own and karaoke every Beatles song; who flame out of film school and whose voice will only be ignited by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Thank god for the Burners out there, solving the world’s problems, one beer at a time.

 

(Via Deadspin & Smoking Gun)

Adventures in the Unconscious

The mammalian diving reflex. Basically, you drop a mammal in cold water, and the reflexes take over to keep it from drowning. You can drop a baby in the water and not only will it not try and breathe, but it will make an instinctual swimming motion. The problem is, this reflex wears off over time. Meaning it’s easier to teach a 1-year old to swim than a 4-year old: the 1-year old hasn’t forgotten how to swim.

Above is the mammalian Barcelona reflex. Apparently, 9- and 10-year olds instinctually know how to knock it around the back, pass in triangles, and play nifty 1-2s at the top of the 18. While I can’t say my experience was that of all 9- and 10-year olds, this game is absolutely nothing like the game I played at that age. I would go so far as to call it alien, only it looks so familiar. I’ve seen it played; by adults. We can only hope these California kids don’t forget these reflexes as they get older. (Via.)

Some of the best tactical analysis of Barca/AC Milan had me sketching WM formations on my trapper keeper, hoping to see less of Busqets and Sanchez and more Fabregas and Pedro. While some of the best cultural analysis of Barca/AC Milan had me daydreaming about Puyol in The Hunger Games trilogy.

Behold, the power of a Halleck T. curse: A mere 5 days after braying about the U-23 USMNT, there they go, crashing out of Olympic qualifying. Those who say this isn’t the World Cup are indeed correct. No one needs to panic.But I come from the loony position that more games are better. So…FUCK.

The regularity with which Spencer Hall writes so goddamn beautifully about a topic that’s only buzzed around in the back of our skulls like a gnat would drive me absolutely mad with envy if the aforementioned writing weren’t so aforementioned beautiful. No one gets to the deeper level of the zeitgeist more quickly or eloquently.

Pele will bless you know. (Via.)

Hoppy Friday

I am here to tell you the world is a wonderful place. It takes a cold soul to be dour on a Spring Friday. In fact, if you encounter someone in a bad mood today, it may be time to reassess that relationship. So we’re ditching the normal and admittedly cringe-inducing dump imagery for IPA smiles. Here’s what’s good:

The future of US soccer. The U-23 USMNT had been showing signs of brilliance, and they pounded Cuba last night, 6-0. Sure, it was Cuba, and they were down a man for 5 of those goals, but still. We should be wearing shades watching Shea, Adu, Agudelo, Corona, et al., play.

Soccer coverage in general. I tell anyone willing to listen that we’re living in a Golden Age of Soccer Fandom. Never before have we had access to more of the sport itself or more gifted commenters. I mean, this Barca analysis is just outstanding. And I just can’t imagine statistical analyses of goal value existing even 5 years ago. Would you have guessed Rooney’s having a down year without it? AND, it’s not just limited to X’s and O’s – there’s also megapixels and woahs. Thank god for the internet.

And also for things that you found out about on the internet, but really want in hard copy.

That being said, some analyses goes a bit far. I have no doubt that Xavi, Iniesta, and Messi could carve solutions to quadratic equations on a pitch. Their parabolas, however, would describe the perfect curve of Dali’s mustache as opposed to weapons shipping.

Speaking of Messi, he’s raining chipped goals over any old goalkeeper he can find. Ronaldo is trundling them in via wheelbarrow. Real’s lead has been trimmed to 6 points with one Clasico left on the schedule. It’s getting real good, people.

Oldie, but beuatifully.

Finally, the best news of all is that Fabrice Muamba is still in the world with us. Other, far better writers have weighed in on the tragedy-turned-inspiration here and here, so I will only add that (1) Fabrice was fortunate to fall where he did (that being in close proximity to well-trained medical professionals as opposed to alone at home or even in a supermarket); (2) it is unfortunate it took that fall for us to learn how inspiring his life story is; and (3) we’re all more fortunate to have him around.

Happy Weekend, Y’all.

The Great Friday Hangover Brain Dump

A forum to flush out the week’s ideas after a strong cup of coffee…

Spencer Hall discusses this in video form, but just to reiterate: Comparing March Madness to the BCS is like comparing apples to appletinis. The NCAA Tournament is something of real substance, healthy even. Most iterations taste good, and it’s been cultivated over time to get better and better. The BCS is a crappy additive to the wonderful liquor of the season – masking it in something desirable only to someone you’d never want to talk to. But here’s the kicker – that booze in the appletini is way more awesome than the apple. Just because appletinis exist doesn’t change the fact that we’d rather have vodka every damn day than an apple.

Speaking of drinking and the tournament, The Epic Drunkards Bracket is absolutely fantastic.

All of the drunkards in that bracket would be epically pissed off without beer at the World Cup. We imagine some other folks will as well.

“Soccer Mom” needed a take down. This is that take down. Brutal, righteous, and unforgiving.

If we could give our liver to Eric Abidal, we would. But we’re not convinced he’s into IPAs.

Like no one else can, Tomahawk Nation previews the Noles’ QBs and RBs. God I love Spring Ball – all the hope without results to get in the way.

Need some ammunition against the legal process? Here you go. That amazing Supreme Court case? Pretty much never happened. As someone who wrote an alternate opinion for this very case in law school, I have a funny relationship to it. Finding out there actually isn’t a turtle at the bottom is somewhat haunting.

Happy Weekend, Y’all. 

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