Category Archives: All Things Clempsin

The (In)Effect of Bounties

I haven’t covered the Saints bounty kerfluffle here because it’s a non-issue for me. Even with the new revelations of Gregg Williams asking players to target the head, I don’t care. I didn’t really care when it was revealed the Hurricanes had a bounty out on Chris Rix, other than to marvel at its ineffectiveness. My feeling is that football is an inherently violent and chaotic game, and bounties have a miniscule effect on that violence. And pictures like this demonstrate just how violent and chaotic the game can be on any given play.

(via Getty)

Let’s just inventory what we can see here, moving from left to right.

On the far left at the top, one of the very few players who seems to be sturdily on two feet. An observer.

Far left bottom: a prone tackler. Or, more accurately, his empty hands, contacting exactly no part of the ball carrier.

Center we have the ball carrier, Chris Thompson, in mid-air along the horizontal plane. Chunks of turf suspended around his knee, presumably where his feet very recently were and should probably still be. His right hand extends down, fruitlessly searching for the ground. (Given the ease with which a wrist fractures in similar situations, probably not a good idea.) At this point, Thompson remains in possession, though with the onrushing defender’s knee poised inches from the ball, that possession could be fleeting.

Also center we have the tackler, in stride, about to wrap up Thompson. Improbably (though it would be impossibly if there weren’t photographic evidence), while the defender is upright and only beginning the tackle, his head is turned down, chin against chest, facemask flush against Thompson’s horizontal back. Surely he’s lowered his head along with his shoulders to make the hit, but the crown of his helmet is so far below the trajectory of his shoulder pads, it looks unnatural. He actually looks an MMA fighter, crumpled and concussed from a blow they don’t know has already knocked them out. His head and hands are limp, like he just fell asleep on the ball carrier. Even if the tackler isn’t injured, the potential for him to be is substantial. Even Uncle Luke level bounties aren’t worth compromising one’s own safety with bad tackling form.

Far behind the tackle is another, seemingly upright defender. In front of him, however, is a blocker, unconnected with the earth. I know for a fact that Nick O’Leary (#35), while a big tight end, is not big enough to bend at the waist and still be taller than the defensive linemen around him. Plus, I believe that’s his left foot below, inches above the grass. How he became airborne is a mystery – he’s engaged with a defensive player to his left, but that player seems too far away to lift O’Leary.

That defensive player is, however, receiving a courteous foot to the ass from his own teammate, who is hitting the ground behind him. The prone defender is, in turn, engaged with a blocker, Jacob Fahrenkrug (#60), who appears as in-flight as his fellow Noles. With perhaps only his right shoulder on the ground, Fahrenkrug is curled around the upper body of the prone defender and looks likely to land on the defender’s head. How that particular defender ended up with his helmet on the turf and his feet in his teammate’s ass is anyone’s guess.

Again, this is one instant (of millions) in one game (of thousands) that, to my knowledge, resulted in no injuries. Look at it: it’s a snapshot of mayhem. It seems miraculous that five of the eight players pictured could hop up and walk around after a play like this. And plays like this happen all the time. With no bounties involved. As fans, we must come to terms with the fact that our favorite sport has the capacity and wherewithal to maim its participants. And with the fact that there is already a financial stake in being the injurer rather than the injured.  It is silly to pretend that injurious capacity only arises when a few hundred or a few thousand dollars are floating around the locker room.

KICKOFF – Prayers answered and requested…

After taking in 12 consecutive hours of college football glory on Saturday, our brains are wired for explosion in, oh, about 7 hours.

Some of our prayers were answered over the weekend:

Appalachian State 34, #5 Michigan 32: Not that we hate Michigan for any particular reason, but holy crap do they implode under expectations. Good luck in your future endeavors, Ron English.

#9 Virginia Tech 17, East Carolina 7: Dusty doesn’t begin describe the saline-inducing assault on our eyes produced by the pre-game tribute in Blacksburg- we were barely able to keep ourselves from becoming blubbering ninnies. We got a whole lot happier, though, watching the VT offense do it’s be Notre Dame impression.

#12 Cal 45, #15 Tennessee 31: Ah, sweet ganja-wafting nectar of revenge. Seeing the gorgeous live footage of the once and future homeland made me wistful; seeing Nate Longshore, DeSean Jackson, Justin Forsett and Jahvid Best on one side of the ball for Cal made me downright giddy.

And some prayers will have to wait until tonight’s game to be answered:

For the love of all that is holy, please don’t give me an offensive box score like this again.

Please don’t grant me the unabashed joy of watching my starting quarterback tackle.

Please give me just one glimpse of future brain suregoen Myron Rolle performing corrective surgery on a wideout whose sternum has wandered a dangerous distance from his spine.

Howard and his dangerous rock.
We also pray for safety from this man and his deadly rock.

For some greater previews and videos relating to tonight’s game, please visit some Nole experts:
Scalp ‘Em: Preview / Video
Tomahawk Nation: Preview / Video

For accurate history on Clempsin College, check out what our investigative team turned up.

Introducing Your Week 1 Opponent: Clemson Tigers

With less than 2 months until kickoff, it’s time to roll through the upcoming FSU schedule, with introductions and little-known, untrue facts about the Noles’ opponents in 2007. Enjoy.

Clemson University was founded by Jimmy Bob Clempsin in 1889 as a loose collective of corn and corn whiskey researchers. Under the aegis of agricultural scholarship, Jimmy Bob had gathered some of the best in the alternative distillery field to his farmlands in rural South Carolina, and began receiving funds under the Morrill Act and Hatch Act. These Acts provided much needed funding for what the US Government considered valuable psychoethanolic studies, more colloquially known as “moonshinery.” As condition for federal funding, the name of the university had to be altered to ‘Clemson’, in order to make it, as described by James Collingsworth Iptay (Deputy Secretary of the newly formed Department of Agriculture) “less goddamn hillbilly-like, for Lord’s sake.”

Jim Bob

Jim Bob Clempsin, laying out his psychoethanolic curriculum.

Iptay was also the predominant force in starting Clemson’s athletics program. In 1896, he paid Walter Riggs $150 and 3 gallons of Clempsin’s Finest Lightning Water to steal the “Tigers” mascot from Auburn University and smuggle it to South Carolina. (Auburn was forced to rename their teams ‘War Eagle, Motherfuckers,’ although they continue to use a sideline mascot described as “an orange and black-striped predatory cat.”) In an astonishing coincidence, the student supporters of the Clemson athletics programs, although they didn’t know the last name of their mascot benefactor, dubiously stumbled onto his acronym when they dubbed themselves IPTAY, which stands for I Pilfered the Tiger from Auburn, Y‘all.

Some of the most notable past coaches of the Clemson Tiger football team are John Heisman, Frank Howard, Danny Ford and Timmy Jeffy Terry Mikey Jimmy Billy Tommy Bowden. It is a little-known fact that Howard was a teammate of Bear Bryant at Alabama and thus carried an eternal grudge against Heisman, who, like the tiger mascot, had been poached from Auburn in 1900. Praying to the Immortal Gods of Football Justice, Howard summoned a meteor to descend from the Heavens, which struck and killed Heisman in 1904. This space rock is still on display in the football stadium officially named for Howard, and locally known as “Death!! Look at how it mercilessly descends upon the head our legendary football coach, who innocently stands on the sideline of the football field, located in this idyllic Southern valley!” The name was shortened to Death Valley two weeks after its adoption.

Howard and rock. Rock on left.

Howard posing with his prayer-summoned Holy Death Rock From Outer Space.

Currently, the Clemson football program holds the record for most Atlantic Coast Conference titles, winning the league title 37 times. It should be noted that Clemson was the sole member of the conference from 1939-1953, when it was decided to include other schools in conference play. In recent years, Clemson has stifled Florida State on the field, winning 3 of the past 4 games which the media calls ‘Bowden Bowls’, referring to the head coaches of each team. Actually, these games are decided months in advance during the Bowden family retreat on the Gulf shores of Florida, where the entire Bowden clan engages in pitched battles of physical stamina, weapons proficiency and psychological fortitude, known to the rest of the world as Strip Checkers.

The Real Bowden Bowl

The Bowdens prepare for battle.

This year’s contest will be the season opener, played in Clemson on Labor Day. Many observers have said this is a fortuitous match-up, considering many South Carolinians have no prior relationship with Labor, in either its physical or literary form.

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